Licence

I recently needed to renew my Chinese driving licence, a task you would have thought not worthy of a blog? I remember having to update my licence in the UK due to an address change (I keep a residence in the UK for such things), it was surprisingly simple, painless and relatively cheap. I didn't even need to leave the comfort of my living room - all done online and with the minimum of fuss and palarvour. Now whilst I didn't expect the process to be as simple in Shanghai, nothing could have alerted me to the impending nightmare process that was in front of me.



The story of how I got my Chinese Driving licence has been one of those well worn anecdotes brought up whenever in company of newbies (this is the derogatory term used by 'exprats' to describe any foreigner in China who arrived after them - even by 30 seconds), tourists or business collegues visiting this fair land. You see just because you have an international driving licence and a clean British one, you were never allowed to just jump in a car and drive here (the rules have lessened for visitors mad enough to try since the Olympics), dependant on which city you lived in, you would need to apply and take a serious of tests and examinations before being let lose on mandarin motorways! I actually think the rules were put in place to make it as difficult as possible for foreigners to drive - not out of spite you understand, but out of protection. Anyone daft enough to want to get behind a wheel here must actually be a few slates short of a roof, the safety records are horrendous, road surfaces non existent and road manners have not been invented yet. Drivers here make driving in downtown Paris, Rome or New York look like driving miss daisy.



So why did you get a licence then Paul? well I worked for an automotive company, and as the QD I needed to benchmark our own and competitor vehicles in real situations and not just on private test tracks. Also (and probably the real reason) I am a control freak, if I could jump out of the seat Im in writing this, and fly the plane - this is despite having no knowledge of how to fly a plane, I am still convinced that I could do a better job, and at least we wouldn't have had the obligatory 2 hour delay - air traffic control, pah - who needs them to give us permission, which is probably why the RAF turned me down all those years ago! I wont go into the detail of how I corruptly got my licence as I will not have a mildly amusing anecdote to tell you if we ever meet, and besides this blog wasn't about how I originally got my licence it was about how I managed to get it renewed.



My licence had been issued by Jiangsu department of transport whilst living in Nanjing, one of only a handful of licences they had issued to a foreigner, and something I was very proud of. So when I noticed it would expire in June of this year, a cold shiver rushed down my spine. I knew that nothing involving a government department would be simple and would be embroiled in subdifuge and unwritten procedures. I knew it had recently become more common for foreigners to obtain driving licences, and that obtaining them didn't necessarily require the passing of brown envelopes stuffed with unmarked RMB, however the renewal of a foreigners driving licence would be far less common. My licence originally lasted for 6 years, and the likelyhood of anyone else still being here 6 years on and in need of a driving licence renewed, must have meant they had either been in prison, or imprisoned by their Chinese wife. The majority of foreigners complete their 2-3 year company stretch before going back to the real world, and after 5 years the nasty Chinese tax man wants to grab some of that money you have stashed in property or savings from around the world, anything in-between your lungs, blood stream and kidneys have been poisened so much that fleeing is the only course of action left.


Fearing the worse I had left it until the last minute, I had ensured my helpful aide (Kency), had investigated the process as much as is possible, which in a country where job security is ensured by not telling anyone else the rules, and making decisions based upon feelings rather than procedure, was a difficult task. Documents in hand, my best shirt, tie and cheesy smile we ventured to the enormous department of road transport in the Shanghai district of Minhang. Driving licences in the UK last until you die (virtually) meaning that those who passed their test with a guy wearing white gloves walking slowly in front of their automobile, can still jump into a vehicle today, despite being blind, deaf and incontinent. In China everyone needs to renew them regulary, why? well the cynical view would be that it provides a steady income for the comunist party coffers and keeps millions (literally) of civil servants in employment. The licensing centre is spread over a dozen different buildings, and is one of the few government buildings I have come across that has a decent car park, oh and the air-com turned on - which perhaps supports my cynical view.



I guess it would be logical for me to take you through the process, but I fear this will mean I need to write several thousand words, rather than just a few hundred, so hear is the abridged version. On arriving you first need to address the reception who points you onto your next step of the process - not the whole process mind, just the next step, which was to a cashiers desk to pay for the obligatory photo, then you move to the photographer, then to another office to collect your photo, again another desk for a man to trim the photo, and onto another to be given an application, another to have the application and the photo stuck together, and with application in hand back to the reception, collect a numbered ticket and dependant on the queue wait for your number - my number was 240 places away! 3 hours later of watching road traffic accidents so gruesome they would be banned in 9 out of 10 country's, you get called to a desk. Now I guess this is where most peoples application is processed and they abruptly move onto the final stages of this red tape fuckfest. Not me.



The person at the processing desk didn't like my face, or my application - so they transferred me to another desk, this wasn't much better and despite the valiant efforts of Kency to convince the official we were told that my application was not acceptable, and I would need to travel the 5 hour journey to Nanjing for them to process. Unhappy with this flea in the ear response, we thought we would try another official sitting behind a desk, no joy there either, so onto another. Finally a symphetic ear, and after much pushing, shouting and 5 other officials giving their 10 pence worth, we were directed to yet another desk and yet another official - this guy had several more pips than anyone else, and enjoyed taking the preverbal out of me, I just smiled and gave him as much face as possible. 30 minutes later he agreed to process my application - however I would need to go and get a full physical examination and make a new application, he failed to give any reason for this, just that he felt it would 'help' my application, and that it was pointless arguing.

So onto another 14 offices (yes count them 14) to have money taken, receipts given, applications chopped and my ears, eyes, blood pressure, height? weight? dexterioty, heart beat and penis length checked (I made the last one up), I ventured back to the main reception to be handed another queue number, only 60 places away this time. One more hour and 4 more desks until I managed to get big boss to see me and process the application, he enjoyed taking the piss out of my poor chinese, and i just smiled and took it all again, until he finally approved the application and sent me upstairs to another 2 more desks for the obligatory payment and final 'chop', one more desk and I recieved a shiney new licenese in a shiney new leatherette folder A process that took 6 hours, 25 separate desk/offices, dozens of officials and a hand full of cash, at least I do not have to go through it all for another 10 years as my expiry date has been extended. Now you understand why the term 'Red Tape' was invented here - however when cutting through it you have to cut vertically rather than horizontally - my advice use public transport, get a driver or make sure you get out before you need to renew!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Ao-Yon Khaokhad Rd,Mueang Phuket,Thailand

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Ao-Yon Khaokhad Rd,Mueang Phuket,Thailand

Facebook

"I hate Facebook", there we go I have said it. I may have just ostracised myself from 50% of the worlds population, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I HATE FACEBOOK" it was easier the 2nd time of saying.

Many of my 'friends' already know this as its something I do not keep quiet about for long, when asked "can I find you on Facebook - maybe we can 'connect'?" they usually leave with a flea in their ear and a bloody nose. Its not that Facebook is bad, or that the people on it are all bad, in fact I think as a device for sharing photos, memories, thoughts and news its quite good - a bit like email, er without the privacy or personalisation, which is why I HATE FACEBOOK.

You see the application itself is fine, the concept is fine (and much copied) the majority of people who use it are fine, as with everything its the few (in this case millions) who take the concept of 'sharing' a little too far. For example these are a few actual posts that litter my wifes Facebook account (not posted by her I have to say, as she is more of a Facebook voyeur than a practitioner).

Example Number 1

"Happy Birthday/Anniversary (delete as appropriate) to my darling husband/wife/child (delete as appropriate)"

 
What's wrong with this post? Well consider this - THE PERSON YOU ARE ADRESSING IS SITTING NEXT TO YOU!!! Why would anyone want to wish the most important person in their life a happy whatever over a public broadcast system rather than talking to them? Or if they have already wished them a happy whatever - WHY ARE YOU REPEATING IT ON FACEBOOK? Is it to remind all of your 'friends' that it is their birthday / your anniversary? Surely if they loved you enough they would already know and would have sent well wishes, phoned, visited, sent a carrier pigeon? and if they didn't - perhaps they didn't care in the first place, and being reminded on Facebook isn't going to change that! Do you really want friends that only remember your birthday/anniversary when you broadcast it to the world? and do you really care that they didnt remember.

Example Number 2

"Where are you?", "Upstairs, where are you?", "Downstairs, what you doing?", "Nothing, bored", "Yeah, me too".

I don't think I really need to explain why this is just wrong on so many levels - if I do need to explain to you, please send me an email and I will enlighten you to a world beyond the rooms in your house and Facebook!

Example Number 3

"Just been to a party with x,y and z", "had a great dinner with a and b"

Who cares? Tell the people you went with how much you enjoyed it, not the people you didn't. Its like saying to your 'friends' "I have a great life, and yours is shit", "I am the centre of the world and your a troll", "I am so popular, and your NOT!'.

Example Number 4

This is not so much as a post, more of a plague - Facebook games, or more specifically the invitation to "eat in an online restaurant", "feed an animal on an online Farm", or "become a neighbour in a virtual town"

Surely not, surely you want to keep the fact that you spend your life playing an online game in a virtual world a secret from the rest of society? Do you really want all of your friends to know that you were up at 3 in the morning because the virtual bread your were baking, in the virtual oven, in a virtual kitchen, in a virtual cafe has just become ready to feed the virtual patrons in your virtual world? Read that sentence again - 5 years ago people were put into mental institutions for the same behaviour.

Of course all of these examples are based on my own opinion, and I am sure that most people would disagree with my observations/comments. But lets look at the evidence gathered against Facebook by independent organisations.
Facebook is now the single largest reason for divorce in America - FACT, well sort of, of course you cant blame Facebook for screwing your wifes friends brother, whilst you were knocking off your aunts gardeners cat. But it can be cited as the reason you got caught!

Affairs have always gone on, mostly they occurred in a real world, or in peoples heads. (I always remember a college lecturer telling me that 90% of sex is 'Safe' as it occurs in the mind) but more recently they tend to occur in the virtual world, started by innocuous friends of friends introductions, or people searching for long 'lost' school chums that meant so much to them, that they lost contact with them 4 seconds after the final bell went 10 years ago, just to tell them how good your life is and how theirs sucks. All of this opportunity for opposite sexes to interrelate and communicate was going to lead to trouble. It used to be that men were the ones not to be trusted, think about it - even when behind bars with 2000 other men they find ways to be unfaithful, this hasn't changed but I think women are catching up fast and the opportunities Facebook opens up for people to 'play with fire' are vast, and unfortunately the old saying "where theres smoke theres fire" creates a generation of people using their partners activity on Facebook to believe that they must be arsonists.

You may have also read that this week that a Women has been sent to prison for 8 months for chatting to a defendant on Facebook about the court case she had been a juror in, again Facebook as a porthole should not be blamed directly. If someone who had been warned several times that she was under oath not to divulge any of the confidential discussions in the Jury room, was not only too stupid to ignore the warnings, but also to post the conversations on a public internet service, then perhaps prison is the safest place for her - before she eats her own head. Of course this could have happened without the use of Facebook, but as this blog is about how much I HATE FACEBOOK, it gets the blame for allowing someone so dumb, the facility to track down the defendants and converse with them all with only an IQ of 4 (of course you have to ask how this women ever got selected as a Juror in a £6million court case in the first place).

Any Google search on the matter reveals millions of incidents of people being harassed, conned, plagiarised, bullied, intimidated, exposed, alienated, duped and basically being naughty on Facebook. As a medium it has become more popular than the newspapers and broadcast news, the world has changed because of Facebook and apart from the ability to boast to long lost acquaintances, flirt with your grandmothers, uncles tennis coach's hamster and spend money buying nothing, from shops that don't exist to put in a home that doesn't exist either - I don't think its changed for the better. As a device for people separated by distance to share holiday and birthday snaps, along with some general updates and maybe a quick chat it works brilliantly. Posting the fact that you've "just put the kettle on", "Ordered a Big Mac", or the "dogs has flees" to the person sitting next to you or in the house around the corner its not. If you want to do this, try sending an sms, tweeting, perhaps talking to the person, or maybe even keeping it to yourself?

I guess as with everything that becomes so popular, so quickly there will always be those that knock it, don't understand it or simply just 'don't get it'. But according to recent news Facebook lost 6 million users during May in the USA alone, and another 100,000 in the UK. Is it losing its appeal? I doubt it, when you have 700million accounts I guess fluctuations of a few million up or down is just the 'natural variation' of such a large number, and I am sure it will continue to grow and grow up until the point it becomes unfashionable and the next big thing takes over - either way i will always HATE FACEBOOK.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Summer

Summer has arrived in Shanghai, how do I know this? Because it's hot, frigging hot! Various other signs also tell me summer has arrived.  

Firstly all the female population forget their clothes in the morning, not that i am complaining, but "daisy dukes" should be renamed "Xiangs Wangs" or similar, as they have become the Chinese national dress for the summer. Shorts so short that you don't need to remove them to go to the bathroom! If women across the world dressed the same as Chinese women in the summer, there would be a lot more traffic accidents - but not in China, despite wearing handkerchiefs around each buttock, or a see-through lace napkin dress with black underwear - nobody looks twice or blinks an eyelid, the men are all too busy rolling up their shirts just under their 'moobs' (This is called ‘Bang Ye’ which directly translates as ‘exposing grandfathers’).

Any doctors reading this please take note it you have a patient who is suffering from overheating, just roll his shirt up to just under his nipples - he will be as right as rain in an instant!


Secondly, the temperature means that the locals are sleeping more. Someone once told me that stamp collecting (philately) is the most popular hobby in China, it is in fact sleeping.  If you ask someone what they did on their day off, they will say "Just rested”, “Had a quiet day" or "Not much" what they mean is they slept for 18 hours.  The Chinese will take any opportunity to sleep, and go to sleep wherever they can. I will always remember at the MG factory in Nanjing the line workers used to remove the parts from the stores racking and sleep on the metal framework, it looked like a Chinese concentration camp with tier after tier of skinny Chinese worker piled on top of each other. Most factories will turn to a 2 hour lunch break from the beginning of June, this gives the workers 3 minutes for food (another favourite hobby) and 117 minutes of sleep, even the office workers get in on the act, but at least they have a desk to fall forward onto.

Thirdly, the sun wakes you up at 4.00am.  For a reason beyond any that I can work out, the powers that be decided that China wouldn't follow the rest of the world and adjust the time for the summer,  it would also ignore the fact that there is some 5500 km from North to South, 5000 km from East to West, it covers a latitude range of between 18° to 53° N,  longitude from about 74° to 135° E, and crosses 5 separate international time zones, however it would keep to just one time zone centred on Beijing time.  This all leads to Shanghai being at least 2 hours away from where it should be - in the summer dawn is at 4.00am and dusk around 7pm, which all makes for sleep deprivation in the morning and crap summer evenings - although it’s too bloody hot to stand in a garden, beer garden or not.

Finally and here is the only good news.  The 'ExPrats' leave Shanghai, and journey back to Wisconsin, Seoul, and Abergavenny or wherever they call home.  In a mass exodus they leave their pampered pouch with the ayi, and have their abused drivers carry them to Pudong airport.  As soon as little Johnny and Mildred have finished school they pack up and 'summer' out of China, citing the heat as a good reason for their departure.  I love it; the restaurants are devoid of fake everything; tans, blonde hair and Gucci sunglasses, the roads are clear of blue/silver Buick's and the streets are spared of lanky kids bouncing basketballs against my head for 8 hours a day when I’m trying to get a Sunday afternoon nap - SHUTUP!


Citing the weather is as good a reason as any to leave China, so I am not going to deride them for this, however despite the obvious, I never really understood why it felt so hot in Shanghai, was it the latitude? Its location on the coast? The pollution? but before I go into explaining why it feels so hot, I thought I would try and explain how it feels.  If you imagine how you might dress on a freezing winters day, snuggled in your favourite woolly jumper, along with a thick coat, thermal socks, gloves, scarf and a hat,  and then put yourself in a sauna set on max, pour some more water onto the glowing coals and lock the door. The humidity causes paper and people to droop, flowers and any animal not already dead to wilt. The air is so damp in a previous office I had a portable air conditioner in a room of about 15-20 sqm, it drained the moisture it extracted from the air into a 10litre bucket, which I need to empty every 2 hours.  In the morning I open the front door to get to my car, a distance of probably 9 feet, by the 2nd step i feel like I have hit a wall of water, by the time I sit in the car I may have well gone swimming in my clothes, and that’s how it is for the best part of 4 months. Your clothes are permanently stuck to your skin, which is probably why so many decide not to bother with them.

So why does it feel like swimming in hot soup every time you escape the comfort or air-conditioning.  Well I guess Shanghai's same latitude position as Marrakech and Alexandria may give it some clues. But that’s only half the story, it’s on the coast so were enjoying moisture from the sea, and probably the main reason is that we are trapped under our very own greenhouse made of pollution.  As I understand it the 20-25million inhabitants and our associated cars, need for cheap electricity generated by coal fired power stations, and smoking ;), are basically creating a Shanghai micro-climate, something called an ‘Urban Heat Island’, which due to the lack of vegetation, the abundance of tall concrete buildings trapping short wave radiation from the sun, which can get in, but can’t get out – (that’s as technical as this blog gets), basically we are all living in a microwave - with a big bowl of water to add some steam, so no wonder its frigging hot!

Interesting?

I came across a report in an American journal proclaiming "The Top 10 Most Interesting Things you didn't know about China" a while ago, it was full of completely biased anti China rhetoric. So I thought I would have my own attempt and removed those facts that were so obviously catered for the American audience the report served – when I say this I don’t mean that American media outlets are the only ones to slant the news in favour of government policy, fuel common misrepresentation or pander to racism and protectionism, most countries media outlets do the same, Christ I am living with a media industry so strangled by government intervention and control, that its radio and TV Show's go out with a 10 second delay (even the ‘live’ shows) so that the media Gestapo can pull the plug if they hear something even mildly subversive.
The key is having the ability to recognise that you are being herded like sheep into an alley of deceit and conformism.

Strengthening misconceptions and reinforcing outdated stereotypes are how governments keep us all in line, scared and sedate. I remember being asked to join a BBC radio 4 interview about the rise, and rise of China, naively I said “Yes”, as I thought it may be a light hearted review of the incredible successes and growth China has seen over recent years – to my surprise the commentators seemed more interested in discussing the potential threat China posed to ‘World Peace’ (whatever that is) due to it having the worlds largest army, and fastest growing navy and air force, they intimated that its global financial and physical dominance will soon grind us all into a pulp. I was shocked I have to admit, and whilst I have no doubt at all that China will soon become the most powerful country on earth, this will be done completely passively and mainly fuelled by the West’s greed for cheap goods rather than China’s appeal for world dominance. China is a country with some desperate social, environmental and economical disasters looming ahead, it is struggling enough to understand how it can manage these, let alone worry about invading Poland.

Off the soap box, and back to the blog, I want to list the Top X most amazing incredible slightly interesting facts that you may not know about China. The first thing to say that with a population nearing 1.4 billion people, everything is the largest, smallest, fattest, thinnest, oldest, most expensive and most contagious etc. that’s all a given, so I have tried to avoid these and concentrate on the ones that may make you say “Oh I didn’t know that?”, please tell me how I get on.

Chinese men outnumber women by 39 million, or to look at it another way, more than the population of Canada. Can imagine the school dances? For every 114 desperate teenage boys there would only be a 100 probably not so desperate girls!This is thanks to both a culture that rates boys over girls and a one child policy which drives selective abortions based on gender, which in turn leads Chinese women to abort more than 15 million children (mainly girls) each year, or to look at it another way the population of the top 10 largest cities in Canada.
Read more@ http://paulstowe.blogspot.com/2010/07/population.html

If he spent his ENTIRE YEARLY INCOME on housing, the average Beijing resident could buy 10 square feet of residential property.
A square meter of residential property in Beijing costs an average of 26,000 yuan (US$3,800), but the average per capita monthly income is only 2,000 yuan. Yet the property Market is booming and prices continue to rise seemingly uncontrollably. The government has imposed taxes on larger properties, but still those that are rich, ARE VERY RICH and have been buying vast acres of property, speculating that the growth will continue unabated.

China has enough pigs for each person in the USA, Canada, UK, France and German to have one each, and more than the next 43 pork producing countries combined

That's a lot of pigs trotters.


Chinese consume 3 million cigarettes every minute or 2 trillion every year. With 2/3rds of Chinese males inhaling their way through 30% of the worlds tobacco supplies. All of this smoking not only has an effect on the colour of taxi drivers fingers, it also leads to 1,000,000 people dying each year from smoking related disease, a figure that is expected to increase to over 3 million by 2050 as the rapid increase in smoking starts to kick in.
On May 1st smoking was banned from all indoor public places, of course most people are either completely unaware of this or couldn't care less, probably because there is no penalty for getting caught and still no legal age on buying cigarettes. The fact that the tax on smoking makes more than $30 billion for the communist party each year, some 7% of the total tax revenue for the country, maybe why the government isn't too keen to curb this form of population control just yet.


Although Mandarin is the official language, there are 292 individual languages still spoken in China. This is even more than the 175 languages spoken in the world's melting pot, America. Mandarin itself contains almost 20,000 characters, although the average Chinese person learns only about 5,000 of these in his lifetime - still this isn't proving a problem as China has more English speakers than the United States.

There are already more Christians in China than Italy, and it's on track to become the largest centre of Christianity in the world
Due to the extremely rapid expansion of Christianity in China, there are now an estimated 54 million Christians in the country comprised of about 40 million Protestants and 14 million Catholics.
Meanwhile, Italy has just 60 million people in total, of which only 79% are Christian these days. Which means Italy has 47.4 million Christians, a full 12% less than China. It's partly because 16% of Italians are now irreligious.
Moreover, China's Christian population is set to grow far more rapidly than Italy's, or even much of the world's, despite this as a percentage of the population (3%) you would find it hard to bump into one, and is probably why;

Chinese are far more likely to believe in evolution than Americans.
"Only Russia (48%), USA (42%), South Africa (41%) and Egypt (25%) remained skeptical about the scientific evidence that exists to support Darwin’s theory.
The results also show that a significant proportion of those people surveyed in the USA, South Africa and India (43%) believe that all life on Earth, including human life, has always existed in its current form.
Whereas 67% of Chinese believe that life on earth, including human life has been created by a system of natural selection.
http://www.britishcouncil.org/darwin_now_survey_global.pdf




However the main thing the Chinese believe in is money, and any one arriving at night and waking up in one of Shanghais five star hotels could be forgiven for thinking that they have landed in Rodeo Drive rather than Nanjing Lu, the streets are lined with Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Montblanc, Vesace and Cartier stores and the roads full of BMW 7 Series, Porsche Cayenne and Range Rovers. The display of wealth is incredible, for a laugh I once counted how many Porsche Cayenne's I would pass (or be passed) by on my way into the city center from my home - a journey of 17km, I counted 26! In every colour, shade and engine type. So why then is China's GDP per capita is the 94th-lowest in the world, below Angola and Libya? Well the chasm between those that have and those that don't is enormous, measured by the Gini Coefficient, China stands at around 0.48 up from 0.16 in 1978. The figure would be zero if wealth were perfectly shared out and 1.0 if it were in one person's hands.
Li Shi, an economist at Beijing Normal University and a prominent expert on the issue, said survey samples under-count poor rural migrants and the wealth of China's elite. He put the true Gini Coefficient at 0.53. That is to say that the 3000 $billionaires and 1 million, millionaires keep all of the money to themselves, only sharing what they have to on luxury cars, handbags and property!

Finally (I have hundreds more of these)
In China, an estimated 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks are used and thrown away annually. This adds up to 1.7 million cubic metres of timber or 25 million fully grown trees every year, or about the same area as Belgium every year - if this is the case why do I always get dirty 2nd (or possibly 3rd, 4th or 15th) hand plastic ones in restaurants?

Robbed

Life isn't fair, an obvious statement and one that everyone needs to realise at an early age. We can't all be premier footballers, super models, actors or mastermind criminals. From an early age we have to deal with the boys at school who grow moustaches and muscles quicker, and I guess girls must have had to learn to put up with those girls whose breasts looked more than fried eggs at 13.




Throughout life we have to deal with what life throws at us, we learn to accept that their will always be people who look better, run faster, think quicker or learn to suck up to the boss without a conscience. You come to accept that without the use of major cosmetic surgery, Photoshop and a body double you won't look like Brad Pitt or Diane Kruger. Your hopes to become a major rock star, marine biologist, spaceman or the next Steve Jobs fade as the realisation of mundane, normality and survival are all you can hope for - if your lucky.




I accepted this years ago, im lucky, i am relatively happy. I have a good job, a loving family and enjoy luxuries that I should be ashamed of. Of course I always wanted more; my own personal dream came in the guise of looking like Don Johnson, driving a Ferrari, living on my yacht in Miami and being married to Sheena Easton (yes i am ashamed to admit to having been a big Miami Vice fan!) - now of course pastel suits with shoulder pads are out, Sheena's looking a little worse for wear and having to clean up after a crocodile seems tiring. You come to accept your lot, and whilst still having dreams, they lean more towards long holidays, kids at the grandparents and the next update from apple!




This is all fine - except for one thing.
You expect that now you have fallen into a 'Matrix' style life of controlled turpitude at least your on a level playing field, a place that everyone plays the game and the rules are clear enough for you to at least survive without feeling raped. Well the reason for this blog, was one such incident that made me feel so violated that I again wished I still held out for Sheena and a mate like Tubbs. As usual it starts with me travelling, I wont bore you with how i got there, or even why i was in the most boring place on earth - Brussels. I was travelling back to the UK before flying home to Shanghai, joined by a group of colleagues we all headed for the computerised check-in machines that fill the halls of most airports these days. However in this instance I wasn't accepted on the flight, and had to resort to actually talking to someone and trying a more traditional method of checking in, I was told that I was not booked in on this flight as I handn't made the outward bound leg of my journey.

Now this is maybe something you are all aware of? However as someone who considers himself a 'frequent' flyer, it was something I hadn't faced before. Apparently because I hadn't made the outward bound leg of a return flight, the airline had cancelled the seat on my inbound flight and I had forfeited my return flight, infact worse than that they had sold my seat on the return leg. Luckily for me the people at Brussels airline were very gracious and managed to find me a seat on the plane which enabled me to get back to the UK on time - without any additional cost. This of course is only half of the story, the real story begins when I was sitting in Brussels airport lounge, a place so devoid of character that the people who work there - don't. They talk of places that elephants go to die, a hidden place that is away from the pack and allows them to die in dignity and privacy, Brussels airport is a similar place for tired politicians, business men and airport workers. It was a Friday evening and apart from the credit card sellers the place was desolate.




Having been almost stranded in Belgium, I thought about my flight back to Shanghai. I had had a torturous itinerary, covering 6 countries in 7 days, and because of late changes and airline ticket restrictions, I needed to book an additional single flight from Shanghai to London, alongside my return booking. Having not used the second flight from Shanghai to London, I began to wonder if the same rules as my Brussels flight were in place? Surely not? I had paid the price of a small family car for the ticket, and whilst maybe an acceptable practise on short discounted short hops, they wouldn't apply the same rules on a long haul, stupid price flight - right?




Here's where my allegiance and love, yes love of an airline died. Whilst waiting on hold for 26 minutes, I was abruptly told that as I hadn't used this outward leg of my flight, my inbound leg had been cancelled and sold to another mug. But don't worry, for almost twice the price of the seat you had already brought, they would be able to find you with another seat in order for you to get home. I think I need to repeat this, I paid for a return from shanghai to London, costing around the same as the national debt of Turkey. But because I couldn't change the dates on the outward leg of this flight, I paid for an additional single fair with the same airline a few days earlier - however because i hadnt used the outward bound leg of my original flight to London, they had cancelled my booking, without a refund. Thus a return flight would end up costing me the same as one return and two single flights. This was all with an airline I have shown unfrequented love, desire and passion for during the last 10 years, I was treated with such content that I felt like I had my heart ripped from my rib gage, stamped on, set on fire and the remains fed to pigs.




The airline of course was Virgin Atlantic, an airline I had written and eulogised about in the past. it comes to something when Brussels airways, an airline that has less planes than the Switzerland airforce, and one I fly as frequently as I refuse a free drink, would 'ensure a mutually acceptable resolution was found', whereas one that I had slept with on multiple occasions, allowed to look after my children, massage my back and fly me at 30,000 feet a 1000 times treated me like a thief, a vagrant and a despicable member of society.




I have of course checked IATA regulations, witch turn out to be guidelines rather than rules or laws, and yes they clearly say that this is within the airlines rights. But surely there becomes a point when common sense and loyalty takes over rules and regulations? Whatever happened to customer service, doing the right thing and maybe even 'not taking the piss'. Forgive me for thinking that when I book a flight I book seats on two planes - one to get me there and one to get me back! I guess after all I should realise that life isn't fair.

Fake

When is a fake a fake? When is it acceptable to create, buy or ‘consume’ fake products? Questions I guess people are asking themselves more and more these days? It used to be that you would only ever find copied products at dodgy market stalls, pub car parks or on a Spanish beach? These days fake goods are attainable everywhere, from the billions of products advertised on ebay, Taoboa (China’s ebay – or is ebay, China’s Taoboa?), to the guy you know at work who can get Spiderman’s Pirates of the Transformer Caribbean 3 movie on DVD.



Industry claims that fake goods cost manufacturing $650 billion dollars each year, feeds organised crimes, employs embryonic children and closes more real companies than a country investing all its gold into Barings Bank or Iceland. Whilst I agree that a lot of the proceeds go to people who are organised at creating, distributing and controlling the fake products market, I am sure Osama would have been easier to catch if he was peddling Rollex watches at a local ale house (as long as that ale house wasn’t in Pakistan of course). I guess a bit like prostitution, porn and the drugs industry it is the need that creates and fuels the market, rather than someone waking up one day and thinking that they will produce a million copies of ‘The American’ DVD as a ‘good idea’, and in the hope that a similar number of people had just returned from the moon and missed the reviews.
Where there is a need, where something sells, and where there is money to be made, copies won’t be far behind.



China takes this to a whole new level, the forgery market here probably employs more people than those making, marketing and moving the real products. Copying has lost its illegality, Counterfeiting, Copying, Plagiarism, Stealing, Pilfering, forging call it what you like, its reached levels that are now getting scary. If anyone has ever visited Asia you will have undoubtedly visited one of the many fake markets that are scattered around the major cities? It’s a tourist ‘must see’, ‘must do’, the airports here are filled with people returning back to the West with the obligatory Louis Vuiton Handbag, Omega Watch and Burberry Scarf all brought for $11.50 at the local ‘Pearl Market’.



For those of you who haven’t visited, imagine a 4/5 or 6 story shopping mall, fill it with 100,000 ten meter square booths, cram them with enough product to keep Amazon going for a millennium, and finish it off with a 1000 screaming pigmy girls - who could sell Eskimos their own snow, and still make them think they were getting a bargain. Raise the volume to jet aircraft level and the temperature to around the same, and you will get the picture. These places sell every brand you have ever heard off, and lots that you haven’t. The screams of “Watch, DVD, Bag, you want watch? Bag for the wife? Bag for the girlfriend, bag for both? Manchester United, You from America? You want watch, bag, I give you best price, best quality, you my friend, I do you good deal” will haunt me until the day I die. I avoid these places like I avoid getting into conversations about the legality of murdering an untried man on foreign sovereign soil.



Don’t get me wrong, I have previously sinned. I gave into sparkly watches, shiny belts and Abercrombie sweaters right up until the moment they started going backwards, snapped and discoloured in the wash. I still buy fake DVD’s, but before American Seals burst through my windows and ‘double tap’ me. What else I am I to do? During my many years of travelling to China, and the last 5 years of living here, I have only once seen one original DVD on sale. It was at Toys-R-Us, they had an enormous display and special area set up for the launch of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets DVD, and alongside the full size cardboard cut-outs of Dumbledoor and Hagrid, plastic figures of Harry and Hermione, Quidditch lego sets, magic kits, wands, and invisibility cloaks was what looked like an original DVD on sale for 200 RMB ($30), amazed, I stood starring at it, at one point I even leant forward to inspect a copy – the security guard standing next to it checked me up and down as if he was protecting Justin Biebers virginity, before nodding approval. It was a small shelf with only about 10 copies, but they looked real enough, watermarks, holograms the lot. Just below this shelf was a much larger one that contained around 1000 copies of the same DVD, only this time they were being sold for 20RMB ($3), copies the store manager probably ‘ripped’ the previous evening and seemed to be selling far more copies than the original thing – surprisingly!



That was the last time I saw a real DVD in China, and I don’t suppose I will see another one for a while either. When a nation has been so used to paying 10 RMB (The ones in Toys-R-Us were over priced!), how will they ever get into the swing of paying 10X or 20X street prices, or god forbid waiting for the official copy to come out?
Whilst this is all deplorable, and taking the food off Brangelina's table is not something that should be condoned, its nothing compared to the latest trend is China. Over the past 3 months I have heard of 4 fake products that have made me seriously question my reasons for staying. Recent press reports have cited the forgery of Meat, Fruit, Vegetables and Drink (Not sure what is left?), this you must remember has been reported in newspapers that have a reputation for hiding anything that may insult, unnerve, worry or slightly question China’s dominance in everything. So when it tells you ten people died, you think 10 thousand, a government building project cost 10million, read 10 billion, and so on.



The next question I guess is why and how the hell do you fake meat? Well the forgery in question is turning cheaper pork into profitable beef (instructions here), dyeing old peppers in carcinogenic paint to make it look fresh, injecting under ripe melons with coloured sweetened water, and of course the horrific lethal babies milk products that have so far murdered 6 babies and hospitalised 300,000.



The one story I did smile at simply because the biggest drinkers of this product are the government, and the police force who should be controlling it, was the forgery involved in the drink of choice Bei Ju, and one brand in particular, Mao Tai. I have written about the properties of Bei Ju before, like most spirits/liquors it has a multitude of uses, namely, as an alternative to paint stripper, petrol or arsenic. The most expensive brand is Mao Tai which enters the market at around 1000 RMB ($150) and can cost 10 times that for a more select year. The price is governed by its brand, but theoretically by its controlled production volumes. Its exclusivity means that it is not only the drink to win you business and show off with, but it is also being copied in vast quantities. So much so, that you can sell empty bottles for 700 RMB! The factory where it is made, only produces 20 million tonnes per year, however over 200 million tonnes are thought to be consumed on an average year. So the chances of actually drinking a real, authentic Mao Tai are pretty slim, you wont tell by its price either as its sold as the real thing, and you cant tell by the taste as your sensory organs are destroyed on opening the bottle. The only time you will realise it wasn’t the real thing will be when your eyes bleed and your liver finally explodes.



So back to my first questions, “When is a fake a fake? When is it acceptable to create, buy or ‘consume’ fake products?” Well in my book, copy what ever you like as long as the person buying it knows it’s a fake. The ‘Pearl markets’ in China are perfect in that from the moment you step in, you know everything on sale is fake and will probably disintegrate before you step back outside, and if they don’t then well done you.
When its not acceptable is when you think your eating beef, munching on some crispy vegetables or fruit and washing it all down with a glass of alcohol only to find out that you glow in the dark, possess x-ray vision and have the ability to lose weight quicker than a Victoria Secrets model who just gave birth. The pinnacle of this deplorable practice is the poisoning of babies milk products, which has led to an outcry and a number of high profile arrests and convictions,, however in a country where people are willing to spend time and energy in turning pork into beef I am sure this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Dog

I'M BACK, I'M BACK, I'M BACK, I guess it doesn't matter how loud I say it - if no one is reading I may as well be shouting from my padded cell. I know its been a long time but i have been busy, disillusioned and lazy. I still love writing, and have been busy putting together my 2nd unpublished book. unpublished? yes, well lets face it why would anyone be interested in a book that is entitled "Sex and Gravy"? and includes references to the Royal Family, adolescence sexual desires and the lingerie pages of 1980's Littlewoods catalogue?

The truth is that I have continued to write under a pseudonym, which has allowed me to be a little freer with my views and my words of condemnation. Especially when in a country that doesn't respect the freedom of speech, and also when your a prisoner to the corporate ladder you have to be careful to avoid a complete meltdown (otherwise known as "A Charlie Sheen") - this ruins the artistic element of writing, add the threat of deportation or worse imprisonment you begin to question the point of writing anything real at all. Writing anonymously has helped me unleash a violent and unreserved side previously suppressed by the chains of conformity including one particular article that affected me so much that i almost lost my way, i gave up on life and questioned society as a whole - more about that later.

I decided to write on my own blog again, as I was asked to by people i respect, and admire, as suggested the subject matter may prevent me to not write publicly again - but here goes, and lets see what happens.
I stumbled on an article in a Chinese website that showed the following pictures, (I am providing a link as they are too gruesome to put on my blog - you have been warned)

PRESS HERE - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

The text below this and the subsequent feedback from the Chinese commentators led to me question what i thought was different between East and West, was i witnessing a divide that would take generations to bridge? Indeed the feedback from the indigenous population was mixed, a combination of those horrified by the act itself, and those horrified by the reporting of the act (rather than the act itself). What I didn't expect as I wrote for a local english/chinese publication was the backlash from the western readers, yes there was the odd criticism of the act, but far more condemnation of my seemingly out dated and misguided respect for animals.

I live in a country that believes - "if it moves, kill and eat it", and if it doesn't move just miss out the "kill" part. I have been at meals where Panda, Shark, un-born rats, Salamander and a whole host of protected species have been served up as must have 2nd course, however for some crazy, and what must be some old fashioned English reason, I have always rejected Labrador and Retriever. (Before the hate mail starts to drown me, I have never eaten Panda or Salamander, despite the insistence of my hosts) But why have I equally rejected the idea of eating Fido, or Rex? I guess having owned and loved a family Labrador, and having been around dogs all my life, i find it difficult to munch on a pouches tail. I thought the world, or at least the western world was behind me, i thought i would be acclaimed for unearthing a semi secret act that had no place in a modern society.

What I found was a requirement for me to look at my own principles and everything that makes me who I am, i was berated for considering the act only distasteful because it was in broad daylight and in public. The "dog was dead" echoed in my ears and across my computer screen. maybe I had missed the point, perhaps they had an argument? was I being sensitive to a dumb senseless animal, who if it had been killed behind doors and served up on a porcelain plate with some Mange Tout I wouldn't have blinked an eye lid?

The arguments came in thick and fast, "If you were hungry enough you would eat it..", "You justify eating Lamb, Pork, Chicken and Cows, so why not dog?", "Your only argument is that it shouldn't be killed and prepared in front of you, it is you who has double standards.." etc. etc. All of these arguments are true, and I guess they unearthed an irrational view that i held, in as much that as long as I don't see something being murdered and skinned then its OK to eat it.

The example of how sheep, cows and chickens were killed was thrown into the pot (sorry for the pun), would skinning a cow on a cross roads cause such a personal feeling of anger and outrage? and if it did - wouldn't that be a case of double standards? why is it OK to eat animals killed out of sight when those killed in public deemed unacceptable? I guess in my defense I do find it acceptable to eat pig, sheep, cow and chicken, I hypocritically have no desire to see then killed, skinned and prepared for consumption and I guess I treat them like convenience goods rather than animals. However does this view make the act in itself any better? Yes my distaste was centered around the public skinning of a family animal, I never mentioned the outcome of the skinning, and i know the eating of dead animals has gone on since the dawn of man. I would like to believe that if it had been a goat, horse or pig being skinned, I would still have been outraged - and that statement in itself has to make me question my own ethics - are they based on reality or just a modern desire not to know where my diamonds, petrol, gold or in this case meat comes from?

It is something you cant get away from in China, recent studies show that the Chinese are the biggest consumers in the world of dog, cat, horse, frog and a wide variety of unthinkable treats like Beetles, Rats, Scorpions and Locust. These foods have turned from being mere necessities to luxury items, yes used to impress visiting laowei, but more than often for general consumption. Take the lowly Cikada (Please take them, as they make an ungodly racket that can be deafening in the summer), amazing creatures they may be, and scientist have studied them for millennium to try and understand their breading habits and life cycle patterns (spending X years under ground, only to emerge to mate and then die). To me they are an irritating, noisy pest with a mildly interesting or quirky life, to the Chinese they are a child's snack, picked from the ground with a stick or shook from the tree to be boiled up and eaten as a treat, a bit like picking a blackberry from a bush, or scrumping an apple from the tree when i was a kid!

The article, and more importantly the comments I received about the article taught me little about peoples views on eating dog meat, but taught me a lot about peoples views on having an opinion. It seems that you can never be right, you can only argue a point of view, and no matter how strong your beliefs start out, other peoples point of view should make you think about your own principles, beliefs and expectations. I still think it is wrong to skin a Golden Retriever on a busy downtown crossroads, for that matter I still think its wrong to eat dog meat, but I have learned that my views are based on irrational emotions that have been developed over centuries of cultural influence, conditioning me to believe dogs were family pets, companions and dare i even say it friends!