Around
this time of the year Shanghai is full of three types of people; Tourists
enjoying the milder weather, newbie expatriates nievly full of the joys of a
city that hasn't slapped them around the face yet, and family visitors joining
their expatriate relatives. I have been
'enjoying' the later of these three during the past month, the weather in
Shanghai is only bearable during the very short spring and fall and its the
only really sensible time to visit for
business or tourism.
Being a
miserable sod, who is only truly happy in his own company, or complaining about
other people, having strangers in my
house doesn't fill me with enthusiasm or delight, even when those strangers are
family. You see I left home when I was
21, and spent the next 20 years travelling around the world just to get away
from living with family, don't get me
wrong I love my family and would do anything for them, anything except have
them live under my roof. So when my better half announced that her parents would be
staying for the entire month of September I lurched for my address book to see
what suppliers I hadn't visited for a few months.
Its hard
enough for two people who love each other deeply, to live together at
times, especially at the start when every snore, belch, noisy chew and ball
shuffling habit grinds on the other like bleach on a paper cut. Over time you learn to accept and ignore the
curious (to you) eating habits, the 3 hour long baths and the strange obsession
with matching underwear. If your lucky
you get to enjoy these 'cultural' differences before you take the plunge and
get married, either way love overcomes and you learn to live with most, and
ignore the rest. Of course when you
marry you inherit a whole army of people you didn't choose to live with, and
who's habits you didn't sign up for!
My
parent-in-laws are good, kind and generous people, a tad racist, a smidgeon
bigoted and a dash homophobic but that seems almost acceptable in people of
their age. Their not bad people, but
grew up in a different generation, with different beliefs and standards. They have watched a country change beyond
their recognition and they have grown elderly, infirm and feeling unsupported
by a state they helped design and contributed towards, for moments exactly like
this. I am not condoning their views, just trying to understand the reasons why
they are like the way they are. Most of the time of course I don't have to put
up with their views for longer than a few hours each year, family visits back
to the UK are rare, and even when we do visit our time together is short, but
not this time, a month living under the same roof tugs at your patience strings
like a blue marlin tugs at a deep sea fishing line.
I am
fairly liberal minded, accepting many different beliefs, religions and views on
a myriad of subjects, however i love to
play devils advocate, its my favourite hobby and pushes my intellectual
boundaries - especially when I'm trying to defend or offer an opinion on a
subject not versed or prepared for. So when you have a couple who blame the
worlds problems on immigrants, corrupt politicians, gay people and Lady Gaga I am armed with more than enough
material to provide a counter view (apart from defending Lady Gaga of
course!). If every conversation you
enter into ends in a view that you should deport everyone who isn't related to
the Queen (despite her actually being of German lineage), that HIV/AID's is gods way of ridding the world of
drug taking, homosexual commodity traders and politicians, and that popular music culture is the reason girls get
pregnant at 12, and why men no longer lay down their coats over puddles in the
street - you can imagine that I spent 29 days of the 30 they spent with us
arguing the virtues of a multi cultural, multi sexual, multi musical (I made
the last one up!) society.
All of
these arguments led to some interesting outcomes, not least the fact that you find
out pretty quickly that you are incompatible to the extend that every little
nuance grinds on you like broken glass into an eyeball. You find yourself feeling hatred for the way
someone breaths; too noisy, too often, too shallow, too deep - at all! We would go to a restaurant for lunch or
dinner, and even before they ordered I would know that they didn't like the
food. No chips, wrong shape chips, chips
too thin, chips too fat, too spicy, not spicy enough, reaching for the salt
before tasting, eating every last morsel on the plate and then complaining it
wasn't very nice, having the same bloody club sandwich in every establishment
you venture into, drinking too much alcohol on top of a cocktail of medication
designed to sedate a Sperm Whale, and getting louder and louder with each sip
before finally professing that 'we don't really like this foreign muck!'
"WHY THE FU&K DID YOU COME TO SHANGHAI THEN!!!"
The list
of irritations is endless, actual conversation 1:
"we
didn't sleep because the room was too warm",
'thats
what the air conditioning is for',
"yes
but its too noisy",
"but
if your awake anyway what is the difference, if your going to be awake at least
do it in comfort',
"no
its ok we will just struggle with the heat."
'put the
air conditioning on before going to bed, and turn it off when you actually go'
"No
its ok, we will be fine"
'Aarrgghhh....'
Conversation
2
"We
need a new padlock for our suitcases"
'Why?'
"Well
customs must have broke the one we had on our case, because it wasn't with our
suitcase when we arrived"
'That's
because you shouldn't really put a padlock on your suitcase, it raises
suspicion and customs have to break it to check whats in your bag'
"Yes
but our belongings aren't safe without a lock on the suitcase"
'Well I
have flown over 100 flights in the last 3 years, and have never had anything
stolen from a suitcase - all without locks on'
"Yes
but we want a lock"
'Who is
going to steal your underwear, knitting and copies of readers digest?'
"But
we don't want anyone to open our cases"
'Yes but
customs will be suspicious and definitely open your case because you have a
lock on it'
"We
need a new padlock for our suitcase"
'Aarrgghhh...'
I know
its me and not them, I should learn to be more tolerant, more supportive and
more understanding. I have lived a very
different life, enjoying different cultures, locations, foods and experiences,
making me more adventurous and open minded I guess, it has also made me freer
with my money, less protective with my belongings and having little regard for
preserving what I have earned. But none of this is personal, it could be anyone staying with us and I would have
found some small niggle to upset me, I am sure the Pope is noisy when he eats,
the Queen picks her teeth after a meal and the Dali Lama's beads rattle too
loudly when he shuffles. The point is that my tolerance levels are very, very
low, and its just best to leave me alone, after all the only people who
actually come to visit us, come to see my wife or the kids, so perhaps I should
just leave home at this point and wallow in my own perfection? If I was more tolerant, more accepting, and
less wound up like a swiss timepiece, maybe I could accept the fact that people
insist on 'remembering' the war, or see mayonnaise as a strange delicacy, but
until that that point please accept my offer to book a hotel for you as the
most appropriate solution to ensure you enjoy the short stay you have in
Shanghai.